Worth it all?

And so we go from one breath to the next

One ray to the other

And we can’t help but think

And that’s ok

But it sure is busy

and it sure is quiet

wondering, obsessing

focusing, staring

We does not mean all of us

And I does not mean me

around the corner is the vanity

of the next end of the next rainbow

no I don’t think that forever is now

and I don’t feel that substance is void

But a part of me understands the journey

of getting to nowhere and back again

I love it and them and her and this

but I desire that and these and those

and I am preaching a message

that is not saving me

and I am reaching blindly into the darkness

only for the sacred prize to be out of reach

and I care

I do

And I scorn

I do

what about the children in Nigeria….

What about them?

And what about my children?

How much hunger is ever going to be justified

and how much loneliness is ever going to be full

how painful does it have to be in order to be recognized

simply as painful

Come Lord Jesus

I heard you in the garden

and I hid myself

for I am naked

and ashamed

I am a fornicator and an adulterer at heart

and my bed is undefiled?

I am guilty of manslaughter

I think

but I am the mouth of God?

This pain is never going to go away

or is it

am I simply feeling sorry for myself?

temporal becoming is an illusion?

but I am stuck in the now

it should have been enough

so why isn’t it

my consciousness is me

and I leave my body

only to be sucked back in

I cry for them

only to end up crying for me

this can’t be right

is it

what is right

and so we measure, we compare, we strive

and we bask, we sigh, we bow

and we groan, we grunt, we inevitably…

inhale deeply….

and we push on

although at some level it all feels so wrong

there is still air

but it is going

there is still light

but it is fading

every now and again

life seeps through

a glass of red wine

a laughter – searing through our soul

a promise of eternity

an affirmation

a compliment

an act of worship, adoration

bewildered awe

“it is really good”

it’s all good

it’s all bad

I am stuck in between

I want it to be…

but I am not always sure

if it’s

worth it all….

I hope it is

I hope it will

although I don’t believe it

although I don’t always see it

It’s all good

It’s not at all bad

although I don’t hate it

although I hate it

it is life

it is mine

I don’t want it

I want to share it

what’s the worth

if I get to keep it

if I find it

I will lose it

and if I loose it

I will find it

so please take it

because i can’t take it anymore

that sounded better in my head

a moment ago

seconds in the future

i might, i should, i will

fuck them if they can’t take a joke

bless them for who they are

they are precious

so fucking damn precious

and beautiful

and fragile

and special

and rough

and lovely

and dirty

and worth it all


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