Today the darkness is all around me.
It could be possible to say that I feel forsaken but the cliche has been taken – and anyway it doesn’t sound cool 🙂
I woke up this morning with vanity in my heart and I have been wrestling insignificance for the whole day.
In the past no amount of medication could persuade me that everything is not vanity. That is not an emotion it is a conclusion.
On days like this pornography calls very loud. So far so good but not because of me. Possibly because of my prayers for deliverance.
Insignificance would have been fine if the possibility of hedonism existed but the mere pain of existence has rendered any possibility of even socially acceptable hedonism null and void.
One of the worst things is that I am hurting the ones I love.
I stopped telling them that I want to die because I see the pain in their eyes every time I do so.
It is probably time to go for counselling again but counselling is expensive and 45 minutes a week only. Not going to see keep me alive.
And I don’t expect God to come to my rescue. I suspect God to do just enough to keep me in pain.
And I don’t expect the world to care. And I don’t blame them because I sincerely understand that my story is a dime a dozen in a broken world. Not looking for pity I promise.
A very good friend and a sincere brother in Christ recently separated from his wife.
I am aching with him and for him. One thing that is good about the darkness is that it makes you extremely sensitive to the agony of your kin. Naturally I am not saying that God has a purpose with the darkness. The darkness exists because the world is irredeemably broken.
At some point you actually feel that it is becoming ‘wrong’ to fight back and try to get up every time. Since the general direction is never forward at some point it actually feels like the right thing to ‘give up all the way’.
If I had a dime for every time I heard a prosperity preacher say “if He did it for me he can do it for you”. Yes and if He allowed scores of babies to be thrown into the Nile river He can certainly allow the same to happen to me.
Understanding the principle of justification does not make this any easier.
Pushing through takes faith.
Something that I have never had.
On days like today their isn’t even enough in me to say f*$k them if they can’t take a joke – and mean it.
I did invest emotionally in two courses on functional medicine. Not enough hope to hope against hope but it will be nice if it pays off. I am sick and tired of allopathic medicine. It is a misguided prison at best and poison that deserves the fires of hell at worst.
Slowly coming to grips that my motives for wanting to study medicine was even worse than I thought. Probably wanted affirmations just as badly as I wanted to make the world a better place.
Not even Watchman Nee is helping anymore. Can’t figure out what it is I am not ‘reckoning’ correctly.
Just know that I am a disappointment. Can’t get myself to swallow the frog either (swallowing the frog means to allow the thoughts to run their full course and not to resist them so that they are ‘proven as harmless’ even if true)
Not looking for pity – although it is understandable if it looks like it.
Wanted to really ‘capture the moment’.
Not easy to describe the feelings afterwards and since this is supposed to be a psychotherapy exercise thing, thought I might as well give it everything I have.
On days like today there is a huge empathy for the rest of us who also suffer. And for the most part it is sincere. The guys standing at the stop sign looking for work really breaks my heart. I have the sincere desire to take food for them on a frequent (perhaps weekly) basis. Just don’t have the strength – reaching out to them actually serves to remind me of how desperately incompetent I am. I can imagine that their lives are not easy. I am extremely thankful that they have chosen an honest work above the murders and rapists who threaten our existence in this country and I want to tell them every time I see them but I suspect it will be as empty to them as the one in ten patients who compliment me everyday. I wish there was a way I could reward them. Naturally there’s nothing – I made some pretty bad financial choices myself and the darkness saw to the rest. Now there’s not even enough for a PS4 – pathetic but true.
And too tired to hate. The politicians can kiss my ass but that’s about as far as I go.
Heb 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
No faith here. Don’t know How to get it.
Luk 17:5 The apostles said to the Lord, “Increase our faith!”
Luk 17:6 And the Lord said, “If you had faith like a grain of mustard seed, you could say to this mulberry tree, ‘Be uprooted and planted in the sea,’ and it would obey you.
A part of me sees this as an encouragement. To the dark part of me it is condemnation.